The Brooklyn Bridge: It's All About Support!

Recently I celebrated another decade birthday.  This was a BIG one!!!

All my family plus two “adopted” family members joined in for a 3 ½-day weekend. There were eleven of us. This event was actually some ten years in the making. The previous decade birthday came at a tough time in my life, when I was going through a divorce and had ambivalent feelings about lots of what was happening. I was definitely not quiet about how unhappy I was then. While my sons did want to plan a Los Angeles party for me, I know, now, that I was just too debilitated by the recent events to take part in a huge celebration.

However, the next year I got to go on a great womens’ retreat to Isla de Mujeres, Mexico, where I got lots of special attention and even a special dairy –free chocolate cake from the residence chef, who was so proud that she found the right recipe. It was absolutely memorable.

But I missed being with my family.

I come from the time when kids were supposed to be seen and not heard, but I’ve grown and finally arrived in the vital place where I’ve discovered what I need and how to ask for it. My kids are ultra-important to me; I like to be around them. While they live in different parts of the country, Austin, San Diego and Eugene, OR (I’m just lucky that they’re not scattered across the world!)  I’ve chosen recently to live in New York. They have all visited, and we have had great times together, but they’ve never all been here at the same time. For this birthday I wanted to play with them, share outings and stay together.

At first I suggested, perhaps, a cruise, which met with a resounding “No!” After much deliberation, phone calls and e-mails back and forth, they all said they wanted to come to the Big Apple to do the things they’d never had time to do or were too busy to do on previous trips. We sent out a survey to gather information about preferred activities and dining needs. I think there were 39 items on one of the first lists. Everyone was very creative with their suggestions. But we whittled it down and came up with an agenda that intrigued everyone.

And so they came, my granddaughters presenting me with a magic wand and the proclamation that I could now have anything I wanted with a flick of my wrist! We all showed up at the chosen hotel at different times, assembling later for dinner. I carried my wand everywhere and got lots of juicy comments in elevators, at restaurants, and on the street. Of course, the family cameras were constantly clicking the entire time, and my wand was clearly visible throughout.  The pictures are wonderful; I get to live the week-end over and over just by looking at them, whenever I want. I’ve put the group picture of us posing at the end of our trip over the Brooklyn Bridge on Facebook, where it’s gotten more than 40 comments, some from people I haven’t connected with in many years. I like that.

We managed over the next three days to walk on the High Line, New York’s unique park situated atop old elevated train tracks, as well as visit delicious Eataly restaurant for dessert, visit my son’s New York office for a tour, shop at the wonderful UniQlo, the well designed Japanese store, visit the Museum Of Modern Art for the Cindy Sherman show, have a super tour at The Brooklyn Botanic Garden under the cherry blossoms, walk over the Brooklyn Bridge back to Manhattan, see Newsies, enjoyed by all for its fabulous dancing, great sets, and good music, ate well at places where all dietary requests could be met (no small feat!), host a big brunch for 46 friends and family and then hold a final review of everything! I saw lots of smiles, different groups hanging out together, and heard lots of laughter.

There was something for everyone and it has been declared an “awesome” time by all. All the conversations, phone calls and e-mails, but most importantly the attention we put into the planning of this weekend, were worth every moment. For me, it was a dream come true.

Not only did I have a sensational, nurturing and memorable time, I recognized a very important truth again, as I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge holding my wand and linking arms with many of my loved ones. My family was concerned that I might not be able to make it across due to the cold, the wind, the distance, etc., but I never doubted I could, and I did. I realized that when you feel the support you need from those you love, you can do anything.

I Wish I'd Known Roger Molander

Sometimes I read the obituaries.

Often these columns describe important peoples’ lives in such a way that I learn about contributions they’ve made that really need to be celebrated.

On April 1, Roger C. Molander, a nuclear protest leader, passed away. I truly regret that I’d never heard of or known him. Here’s part of an article he wrote in the Los Angeles Times in 1982, about creating peace between America and Russia, that is sure worth more publicizing:

So bring on the Russians...try their vodka, listen to their music, read their novels, watch them dance. Maybe take one to lunch and start a conversation on a topic of mutual interest. Try “the fate of the earth,” for starters.

I am going to “Google” Roger Molander to learn more. When he heard a Navy captain say that “only” 500 million people would be killed in a nuclear war, he realized that the “technical priesthood,” his term for the nuclear war experts, could not alone be responsible for maintaining the fragile relations between the two nations, because they clearly failed to grasp the true emotional consequences of that staggering loss of life. He suggested that instead, ordinary Americans and Russians needed to spend most of their time talking on the human plane about their kids, grandkids, friends and their responsibilities to future generations.

Hurrah!

Keeping our attention focused on one another’s humanity and inherent value is a prime component of creating peace between people. After years of research, discovery and taking histories of people all over the world, I have concluded that attention is our primary need. Everyone needs and wants to be seen, listened to, valued, respected, supported, honored, and connected to others. Peace between people is created when people feel safe with each other, feel that they matter to each other, can trust each other and can count on each other.

When we realize that we really all want the same things in life, we can realize that we’re all connected and the same – color doesn’t matter, ethnicity doesn’t matter and wealth doesn’t matter.

Recently I came across a very clear list of ten ‘plague-like’ man-made destructive forces that kill relationships and prohibit peace between people:

Apathy,

Envy of others,

Intolerance,

Persecution,

Injustice,

Poverty,

Violence,

War,

Exploitation of others, and

Deafness to cries for help.

This is the first time I’ve seen such a list, and it’s as if it has solidified my thinking about attention. This list of ten things actually describes the different ways people act out to get the attention they need, often at the expense of peace and planetary harmony.

At the top of the list is Apathy, which is lack of interest or concern: indifference. Apathy is a terrible state of mind: it’s an energy killer, and yet it appears to be taking over our human spirits as a result of the enormous amount of suffering and injustice in the world. We need to pay attention to our tendency toward apathy, call it out and banish it for good if our world is to survive.

This is a serious contemplation for me to have on a lovely spring day, but it needs to be had and shared. And it all came about because I read page 24 of the New York Times on April 1, 2012!

High Heels, Oscar's Red Carpet and Research

I have to admit that I really wonder about what young women are wearing on their feet these days. I was at a shoe repair shop the other day to buy some laces, and a darling gal put two pairs of shoes on the counter to be fixed. She told the repairman that the heels, which were at least six inches high, needed fixing. When she wears these shoes, her feet have to feel like they're in toe (ballet) shoes.

Now I've heard that sometimes when these wearers take their shoes off, they can't get their heels to touch the floor. I can only groan and think of the ancient Chinese custom of foot-binding, where little girls' feet were tightly bound to make them look small and dainty. They did this to please the men in their lives and ended up being crippled for life;  I wouldn't be surprised if the same fate awaits the most avid heel-wearers.

I was actually delighted to hear that one of the Oscar night celebrities posed for pictures in her (extremely) high heels, then took them off as soon as she could, and spent the rest of the evening walking around in her bare feet! Did you catch that moment?

I know that I am not the only one wondering about this phenomenon. The medical profession is even talking about the damage that these shoes are causing, along with flip flops, a shoe fashion that returns every summer. Both kinds of shoes negatively affect posture and can even have an effect on your nerves. I'm not surprised that this is the case. If your feet hurt, you generally hurt all over, and the pain could extend to your insides. There are people trained today who can diagnose more serious internal problems by testing parts of a person's feet. Best we all pay attention to them.

And that's not all - doctors are now speaking out about the tight jeans that women wear. They say that if you have to jump up and down to struggle into them, they're too tight and may be causing damage to leg nerves and other structures. 

Here's my memo to all women, young and old alike: Paying attention to how all our body parts feel and how they're functioning is vital in maintaining our overall health as we get older, and it serves to prevent unnecessary physical problems. And if we're paying attention to what our bodies are telling us, then at what point do we finally stop dressing to impress others? When we come to realize that we're hurting ourselves by being endlessly seduced by the fashion parade in the media, what will it take to stop?

Introducing The Attention Factor Tee Shirt!

I just wanted to take a brief moment to announce something I'm very excited about: the launch of my Attention Factor Tee Shirt on eBay!

Proudly proclaim your love of positive attention with this snuggly 100% cotton shirt, available in sizes S-XL. Isn't it cute? Click here:

The Attention Factor Tee Shirt on eBay

Order yours today, and send me your thoughts!

Connection Is Worth Everything

I saw the movie The Vow the other night and could see it over and over. The movie tells the true story of a couple who wrote a book about their vow and loved each other enough to live through uncharted medical territory to recoup their lives.

Why do I say I could watch it over and over? I say this because the energetic connection between the two stars was palpable, and that is welcome in a time when more and more people are disconnecting from each other, spending more time on their cell phones and computers than with each other.

I see people show up at dinner, put their cell phones on the table and not say a word to each other. The other night, there was a family - mother, father, and teenage son - across from me at a restaurant, and the only words they spoke the whole time were when they ordered their food. What a pathetic situation. The space around them was so heavy!

I think about the concept of connection a lot, because it means so much to me and it feels so good.

I also think about the state of  'not knowing,' or not being completely connected to someone, and how that feels. I first encountered that with my mother. When my Mom did not know where I was or what I was doing, she felt so out of control, she could barely handle it. I watched and absorbed this. She actually told me that she was going to call the police once, when she felt this way. That was the era before cell phones, but I was an adult and had only stopped at the grocery store, making me a little later than usual in arriving at her home.

So, somehow, I've picked up that energy in my own life and am working to let it go...that energy that makes me uncomfortable when I don't know what's happening in a situation that I'm in, when I don't have all the answers. Even writing about it makes me feel better.

Feelings are feelings, we all have them, and when we're healthy, we honor them. Best of all, we learn to communicate them, so we don't have to stuff them down and drown them with drugs, alcohol or other destructive behaviors. This is all part of my work with The Attention Factor: learning to pay attention to how we feel, how we act and how we call attention to our need for a solution.

If only Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger and so many others could have discovered what kind of attention they needed and learned how to ask for it - wouldn't they be alive today? Do you know what kind of attention you need, and how to get it?

Let's welcome our feelings and get this all-important conversation started.

www.TheAttentionFactor.com

I Love to Go to The Garbage !!!

I've  discovered two places where I really enjoy going as part of some of my daily routine.

Over the years people have laughed at me when I've said, " I'm going to the Post Office." They've asked me why, when there's a Mail Box on the corner or I could stick it in my door to be picked up.  I go because I know that I'm completing a task; I have finished something. This just plain feels good to me.

So, when I go to the garbage location down the hall, I have also finished cleaning up, cleaning out and/or straightening up. That also feels good.

I had a friend once who loved to iron, because she could finish something. I totally understand that and I do not iron.

There is always so much to do every day and more always keeps arriving: e-mails, internet 'duty', creative writing, videoing, texting, reading newspapers and magazines, making phone calls, running errands, social living, family living, personal living, shopping, eating, etc.

I don't wonder at all about my need to feel that I am completing some thing every day. I'm not alone, for most people I talk to these days are expressing their over-whelm with all they have to do. I sometimes wonder if there are any commercials, yet, advertising a medication to get rid of our feeling we have to do it all.

I am recommending consciously balancing our lives these days by paying attention to the choices we make.
I'm practicing this more and more;  I don't know if I'll ever be perfect.

For more, visit www.theattentionfactor.com!

We've All Got to Learn to Say "NO!"

I have been saddened by Whitney Houston’s recent death. I’ve listened to commentators, family remarks and read statements she herself  made over the years.

It seems that this gifted, famous, successful woman wanted to quit the life she’d created for herself. She wanted to be “normal,” hang out with her daughter, escape the throngs, and settle down to be a Mom.

She had issues like so many others have, like not feeling ‘good enough’ or feeling insecure about where we are in life. These feelings can creep into us even when we’re appearing to be very financially successful, with a worldwide reputation and followers who adore us and send our songs to the top of the music charts.

Only we know our personal pain, and often we can’t tolerate how we feel. Evidently that’s what happened to Whitney, driving her to take all the drugs she felt she had to take. I wonder why she couldn’t ask for help from those around her, the kind of attention she really she needed and why she couldn’t say ‘no more.’ She wanted to stop; she’d planned a new routine to clean herself out and up. She needed a very special kind of attention, which unfortunately she couldn’t or didn’t get.

While she poisoned her body with all the chemicals she took, I think she died of a broken heart.

For more on the power of Attention, visit www.theattentionfactor.com.